It's not my fault
by fellowstranger
Summary: The emotional journey of Meredith and Derek. Picks up from where they left off in 4.11. MerDer eventually. Warning: First few chapters are depressing.
1. Chapter 1: Meredith's Anger

Reality check (disclaimer)-I own nothing and Shonda owns everything.

Takes place after 4.11. more like the moment Derek seemingly broke up with Meredith.

Italics: Meredith's thoughts

Flashbacks are indicated in quotation marks.

Hope you guys enjoy this and forgive me if this is too depressing to read. Just bear with it for what goes down must come up (:

**It's not my fault**

"Well, neither can I" With that, Meredith walked away from Derek. She had to, her mind was flooded with so many thoughts that she needed to find a space to think, to clear her head and be just fine again. Meredith had no idea where her legs were taking her until she found herself in front of the vending machine. Coffee...that was it. All she needed was coffee, something hot to keep her alert and provide her with just enough energy to focus on the more important happenings in the hospital, especially since she needed to stay with Bailey and attend to Tuck. While the machine took a while to process her order, her mind could not help but wander back to what had just happened.

_Damn it.__ Did he have to say that__ How could he be so ready to give up on us? Not after saying that I'm the love of his life and that he was in it. Does__ he even have a hint as to__ what I__ have__ been doing lately? That perhaps, I __have begun __to yearn for the things he wanted and chase them together with him? That I wanted to take those 100 sexy steps t__ogether towards our dream house?__Then again,__ he could not possibly know because he did not see t__he __numerous __psychology and self-help books strewn across my room. __Not that he had taken the effort to talk to me in the past few days anyway. _

She was jolted from her thoughts as the machine buzzed, indicating her latte was ready for collection. She pushed her thoughts aside as she sipped her beverage while making her way to Tuck and Bailey.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

It had been a long day, too much had happened. She decided sleep was the best thing...it allowed her to forget all the pain and plus, she always felt better after some rest. Yet, one hour passed and she was still tossing around in bed, wide awake in thought.

_It's the coffee...coffee's the reason as to why I__ am __awake now. __Sigh, __I have __tried so hard, to keep him but I guess it__ was __useless when he failed to notice the __effort but then again, I did not__ tell him__ about my attempt to fix myself for him. Damn it, why did__ I__ not__ tell him and force him to see the changes that I__ have__ been making to my life.__ But even then, what happened to the connection we had when we would notice the slightest change about each other? Did I lose ever__ything before I had even realised it_

She rambled on and on before her mind gave up and finally succumbed to the tiredness she felt.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Meredith was at the nurses' station, leaning on her side filling up patients' charts. Before long, she found her mind wandering again even as she moved on to writing her post-op notes.

_It's not my fault. I've tried everything. I tried to trust him but he shattered that when he chose Addison despite saying otherwise. I__tried to breathe on my own but he was the one who wouldn'__t let me when he __hovered around me__ so much__ that I had to tell him to stop__. I've tried to have faith in us but what's the point when __he dis__appoints me time and again? Even his words provide him with a__ back-door that allows__ him to walk away. Ha. So much for __him __being the committed one. _

(flashback)

"You didn't swim and you knew how to. I don't know if I can... I don't know if I want to keep trying to breathe for you. "

_I never wanted you to breathe for me... I never asked you to. I wanted you to help me breathe, to help me stand on my own two feet again, to heal me and make me whole again. Was that too much to ask?_

(flashback)

"Meredith, I do love you. Don't you see? You don't understand? You're the love of my life, I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want; you come back when you want. Not everyone. Not your friends. But you leave me. So I'm asking you, if you don't see a future for us... if you're not in this... Please. Please just end it because I can't, I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."

_I never left you. You were the one who left in the first place when you chose Addison over me. __All this while, I have been here, waiting for you to come back to me. I do not even know why I waited for you. I just did and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being so weak when it comes to you. So if I never left in the first place, how dare you say that I am not in this?_

(flashback)

"You know what I talked about to the other Grey? All these things this Grey won't let me say."

"You can say anything to me."

"I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old-in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours... I want a lifetime. Mm hm. Do you see what happens? I say things like that and you fight the urge to run in the opposite direction. It's ok. I understand. I didn't and now I do. I do. You're just getting started and I've been doing this for a long time. Deep down, you're still an intern and you're not ready."

"I'm not ready right now but things could stay the way they are and I can get ready. I'll get ready."

"Things can stay the way they are. We can still meet in the elevator. The on-call room and maybe you'll be ready. You know what? I'll wait until you're ready. "

"Ok then."

"Yeah, but what if while I'm waiting... I meet someone new who is ready to give me what I want from you? "

"What if you do? "

"I don't know."

_Do you have any idea how I felt after you said that? __Overwhelme__d.__ Out of the blue you say these things,__ yet you knew I was not ready to hear them. You knew that I have never experienced a relationship that lasted past the first quarrel so how could you possibly expect me to be ready to deal with marriage, a house and kids? Yes, I am an intern in every sense of that word. My career just started and you know how difficult it is to handle a career and relationship at the same__ time__. You experienced it yourself with Addison when you started drifting away from her, being absent in your marriage with her and occupying yourself with work. Was I drowning myself in my work? No. I made time for you and I want this relationship to wor__k, __to last. I never want to be another Addison in your life. __And for the record, not being ready never ever meant that I never wanted these things with you. _

_I already told you I would get ready. And you said you would wait, remember? I thought you would be happy after I told you because it would mean that we were actually moving forward towards a future we could both see for ourselves. But you barely smiled then-not the McDreamy smile that was full of love, happiness and gratitude. Not that I expected you to be thankful for what I said. But did you not sense that at the moment, I wanted the same things too?_

_Why did you allow yourself the possibility of finding someone who wanted the same things that you do? Do you not have faith in us? Or rather, do you not have faith in yourself, that you would not be patient enough? If you knew that I am the love of your life, you would be willing to wait an eternity because you know that there is no one else for you. So why then... why should there be someone else? __Unless, __you only wanted these things, and __not because you wanted these things with me.__ Now you know why I find it __so difficult__ to trust you? Why it is so hard to believe that I am the love of your life when you cannot guarantee what you would do if you met someone else who wants the same things as you? Why I __cannot trust you when you would not__ even wait for me to ge__t ready? Why I have problems trusting you, when you kiss a scrub nurse 2 days ago? Don't you know me well enough by now? How fragile and vulnerable I am? How I am so paranoid and dark and twisty? How then, are you able to dismiss that one kiss so casually and not realise how much it affects me?_

Tears streaked down her face the more she thought about those painful memories. Her head hurt from all that thinking. She was no longer able to concentrate on her surroundings. Unable to write anything decent for her post-op notes anymore, Meredith dashed off to a supply closet. She resisted the urge to go to an on-call room-not when there was a chance that a certain someone might be there... even worse if He's there with you-know-who. She shuddered at that horrible thought and closed the door to the supply closet, immediately leaning against the shelf of medical supplies as she let her tears flow freely down her cheeks.

_It is__ his fault. He made me this way.__ He offered hope when he should not have, promises when he was not certain he could__ keep (was he capable of keeping his promises?) an__d a future for us when he could not and was not very willing to wait. __ He trampled upon the broken pieces of my soul, causing it to break into smaller shards. He would build me up only to tear me down time and time again.__I ha__ve tried__ to build myself up for him, for us. I did try. It is__ his fault, not mine._

_It is his fault, it is __all his doing. He caused all __this;__ he is__ r__esponsible for everything...tha__t led to this and whatever __happened just now. He just kept pushing me even though he knew I was not ready to take all those big steps with him. _

_But if it's his fault, then why does my heart hurt so much?_

Her sobs continued as Meredith no longer repressed the hurt she felt. Her heart really hurts and it seemed more painful than the previous heartbreak. Was it really over for Derek and her this time? Would they be strong enough to get through this and be together again? She had no idea. Right now, everything seemed dark and prospects of Derek and Meredith ever happening again did not appear to be in sight.

Just then, the supply closet clicked and the door handle made a move. In that moment, Meredith's hand automatically went to wipe away her tears from her cheeks as her sobs stopped and she held her breadth, wondering, yet waiting to see who could be behind that door.

Author's note: Hey. Thanks for reading my first fanfic. Never thought I would write one but this just came into my head as I wanted so desperately to make things right again. This isn't really much of a story (yet); I just wanted to provide some thoughts behind Meredith and Derek's "breakup" and what they could be feeling during their emotional journey. So as you can see, Meredith is really mad at Derek. And during this period, she would move on from the initial stages of anger to guilt, regret, false hope etc. The same goes for Derek too. The whole break-up process is maybe what they need, for them to understand themselves better and to appreciate what they had. That maybe, just maybe, they would come to their senses and set their minds on making things right. So the next chapter would deal with Derek's thoughts after falling out with Meredith. It would be a long journey before Meredith and Derek end up together again but the ride, I assure you, will be worth the effort, worry and tears. Please review if you've any thoughts-let me know what you think about this chapter, what you would like to see in the next chapter and how you think this could progress...anything under the sun. Argh, I'm rambling. I'll stop now.


	2. Chapter 2: Derek's potent mix

Hey. So awfully sorry for the long wait. Hope this chapter is worth the wait. Enjoy

Reality check-none of it is mine and all of it is Shonda's

Italics: Derek's thoughts

**The Message**

**Send home my long strayd eyes to mee,**

**Which (Oh) too long have dwelt on thee, **

**Yet since there they have learn'd such ill, **

**Such forc'd fashions, **

**And false passions, **

**That they be**

**Made by thee**

**Fit for no good sight, keep them still.**

"Well, neither can I, " said Meredith, and walked away from Derek. A minute later and Derek was still rooted to the very spot where Meredith left him, his right hand over his mouth as he contemplated if what happened moments ago really did occur. It seemed so surreal but a pinch was all he really needed to prove his thoughts wrong. Derek finally made a move for the nearest staircase that would take him to the bridge in the hospital, the one that overlooked the city and never failed to calm him down. His mind was a jumbled mess and he really needed to clear his thoughts-anger and all-before he could function again as one of the America's best neurosurgeons. 

_Urgh. She pushed me. She really pushed me. She provoked me to say all those words and you know what? It is true. Every damn word of it. It is a known fact that she is not ready, hell; she does not even look like she recognises that she has commitment issues. She probably does not realise that she is always running away. Running away from all the things that overwhelm her, that scare her, even if it's something desirable-like a future of growing old together... Wait... I am not sure if she even wants that future, she is so apprehensive about sharing a house, let alone talking about sharing a future. Damn right I called her bluff-maybe it will force her to finally admit to herself that she has serious issues._

His thoughts were interrupted by the incessant beep of his pager. Code Blue. Although the past fifteen minutes of solitude really helped him to sort out his thoughts, he was not done yet. With a sigh, Derek shoved his thoughts to the back of his mind and took a deep breath as he began to walk briskly to the elevator. 

**Send home my harmlesse heart againe, **

**Which no unworthy thought could staine, **

**Which if it be taught by thin**

**To make jestings**

**Of protesting, **

**And breake both**

**Word and Oath, **

**Keepe it, for then 'tis none of mine.**

Derek was standing with the other doctors of Seattle Grace, watching the faith healer in little Tuck's room. He did not know why he was there, even though he was free but then again, there were always a thousand and one things to do when you are free. Perhaps it was because Meredith was there, along with the other residents who also were her adopted family. Maybe deep down, Derek was looking for a sign, something that would signify hope for him and that things really will indeed get better for him-even if it did not involve Meredith.

_I just do not get it. Why is Meredith so paranoid? Why must she make such a big deal out of the kiss with Rose? If she cannot trust me, what is the point of this relationship if there is no mutual trust? Oh god, she jumps to such big conclusions. I dare say she is such a control freak. She does not own me and we ARE NOT in an exclusive relationship since we have agreed that we are free to date other people. So what right does she have to feel the slightest bit jealous? After all, she was the one who said "It's over. It's so over" and whose idea was it to have just a S&M (Sex & Mockery) relationship? She is the one who does not want a relationship and is commitment-phobic. She blows hot and cold, being loving me one moment and breaks up with me the next moment. You know what? I really do not think I know her, much less understand her anymore. How did things turn out this way?_

Derek stole a sideways glance at Meredith, as if looking at her might provide him with an answer. She had no idea how he really felt at this moment. Such a potent mix of emotions within him threatened to drown him. He's sad, hurt, surprised and angry that so much can change in less than a day.

**Yet send me back my heart and eyes, **

**That I may know, and see thy lyes, **

**and may laugh and joy, when thou**

**Art in anguish**

**And dost languish**

**For some one**

**That will none, **

**Or prove as false as thou art now. **

**-John Donne**

Derek was in his office, leaning against his chair and staring at the ceiling. He was done with thinking, it wasn't going to get him anywhere. He has decided to move on since the only way to move was forward, no turning back. He left his office, closing his door with such resolve, as if meaning to leave all his unpleasant thoughts behind. He started to make his way towards the person who had intrigued him so much in the past few days. 

_Now that we are over, I am officially free to date anyone now without being answerable to anybody, not that I had to answer to Meredith in the first place since we were never exclusive. I think I will ask Rose out for dinner tonight and get to know her better in the process. I have never met someone who is so focused and knows what she wants in life and in her partner. Besides, I just need someone to talk to-who is impartial and not related to Meredith in any form and Rose seems like the perfect choice. Even Mark might be biased and side with Meredith. Plus, Rose is a good conversation partner; I really enjoyed all the banter with her in the hospital even though it bordered on flirting. No big deal anyway, I am a free man now. _

Derek found Rose in one of the rooms and leaned against the door frame, an unconscious move which he hoped would make Rose more likely to go out with him tonight. He asked her out for dinner and it was so obvious that she was pleasantly surprised. Her reaction at him having surprised her brought a smile to his face and her consent only widened that smile. 

Derek and Rose had dinner at the Italian restaurant across the street. They bond over common interests, such as ice cream flavours and the shared love for the sea though in her opinion, a yatch was more appealing than a ferry boat. Rose seemed charming and kept the conversation light-hearted. As dessert was served, Rose casually asked Derek his real reason for asking her out, to which Derek replied that Meredith suddenly cancelled their dinner date. He quickly changed the subject to his favourite band and Rose, while curious about the quick subject change, did her best to keep the conversation light-hearted. She suspected something was wrong between Meredith and Derek but she was not about to pry into their lives and Derek was not about to tell her anything. As the night drew to a close, Derek and Rose parted ways at the restaurant though Derek was nice enough to walk her to the nearest taxi stand and had stayed with until she boarded the taxi.

As Derek drove back to his trailer, he was considerably happier since his date with Rose. It had been a long day and dinner with Rose really made things better for him. He had enjoyed himself, feeling more relaxed during the whole date than all his hours at the hospital. 

Rose boarded the taxi and as she started on her journey home, her thoughts inevitably strayed to what happened earlier as she tried to make sense of her dinner date with Derek. 

_I am really surprised that Derek asked me out for dinner tonight; especially since he told me he was not free earlier in the day-said something about seeing things through with Meredith if my memory serves me right. Where does he intend to go from this date? Did he break up with Meredith (again)? I have a gut feeling that he did, which would seem like the most probably reason as to why he asked me out tonight. Assuming that Derek is no longer with Meredith, he should emotionally unstable now-there is just too much history between Meredith and him for him to let go of this relationship too easily. Still, I was pleasantly delighted by his invitation and I had a really good time. It was really great that we share quite a few things in common and perhaps over time, this might lead somewhere but I am not one to delude myself. _

Author's Note

In case you didn't realise, the poem in bold was titled "The Message" and is written by John Donne. I've included it because I felt it expressed Derek's thoughts and his anger better than what he could have. I've made Derek's POV shorter mainly because he does not ramble unlike Meredith. Also, he seems to be suppressing his thoughts with relation to Meredith. Derek chooses to occupy his mind with the happier possibility of Rose. With Rose as a distraction, coupled with the fact that men are less emotional than women, Derek does not quite go through the same emotional journey as Meredith.

Let me make one thing clear. I support MerDer and it will be MerDer eventually. About Rose. I want to provide an additional dimension to Rose and give her character more depth. Hence her POV after the date. I don't believe she is a shallow character who is eager to date Derek and show him off the way a high school cheerleader would- it just isn't consistent with someone who broke up with her fiancé because he didn't know what he wanted. Plus, I assume that Rose is slightly older than Meredith and has better control of her emotions and knows what she wants because of the fact that she is older than Meredith. Of course she does hope to end up with Derek (who wouldn't?) but at the same time, she is perceptive enough to notice that Derek is not as emotionally ready as he thinks he is to enter a new relationship. Rose provides a third perspective (and expresses my thoughts) on the whole MerDer relationship. While she harbours hopes and entertains the possibility of Derek and her being an item, she will not push her luck nor will she force Derek into anything. 

Lastly, the next chapter will see us return to Meredith again after which the plot will pick up from chapter 4 onwards as I attempt to bring Derek and Meredith together and have them reconcile for good. All the other characters will make an appearance soon enough, I promise (: so please review and let me know your thoughts and suggestions regarding the plots and characters. This story belongs to you as much as it belongs to me. (: 


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